If we were ever in public and I had some garbage to throw away I was too scared to walk even 25 ft by myself to a trash can. I always begged Zane to come with me because I was terrified that a stranger would kidnap me, even though I never left my parents line of sight. Poor Zane, he got stuck with lots of stuff like that when we were kids. Basically, stranger danger wasn't something my parents really had to teach - I was already very aware that every. single. stranger. was extremely dangerous.
As an adult I still don't like to talk to strangers. I'm not scared of being kidnapped anymore, but I am wary and don't trust readily. It hasn't ever been a huge issue, I'm just not super comfortable talking to someone who I don't know. I think now I am starting to put up more walls and I'm getting concerned that by the time I'm 50 I'll be a recluse. I don't even like going grocery shopping by myself because I might have to talk to people. It has gotten bad enough that if I see someone that I know I'm too chicken to stop them and say hello. Even if I really like that person and know I won't see them again for a long time. I quickly will turn down another aisle and act like I didn't see them. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but obviously am suffering from some serious social anxiety. I usually regret (often for years) not stopping and saying hi.
It's not that I hate anyone, but it causes me so much stress top talk to people (why didn't I put makeup on today? I haven't seen them in a long time, they might not recognize or remember me. *do they even know who I am?, etc), if I do see someone and I can't avoid them in general I'm quite happy that they stop and say hi, then I feel bad that I even thought about not saying hi. But, it isn't just out in public, I'm bad at this even at family events ... people who ice known for 28 years still cause me this stress!!!
I believe that social media makes it worse for me because I can keep up with what my friends are up to and although I should, there is no requirement for me to comment. It's allowing me to be a creeper and I really hate that aspect of it. But, I really do like that it allows me to keep in contact with people that would not be in my life of it weren't for social media. Am I alone in this?
Speaking of Facebook, I don't comment on most things not because I'm rude, but I don't want to look dumb or be attacked. One time a friend asked for movie suggestions, I commented, but then a stranger commented about what a terrible movie that was. I hate confrontation and after that I commented less and less. I'm on instagram (just barely), but only follow a few because I don't want people to think I'm creepy for following them. Clearly, I'm not entirely sure how to Internet. :) I've commented on blogs of strangers exactly four times and two of those times I used a different name even though my comment was totally normal, because I didn't want to look stupid and have someone know it was me that commented.
The more I write about this the creeper/wackier I feel. I'm working on being braver socially, but I feel like I'm not progressing very quickly (posting this is HUGE). I'm not sure how people can just talk to others that they don't know. It boggles my mind! Can someone please tell me I'm not the only one? And don't even get me started on talking on the phone. Oh my gosh. I HATE that! I can't read body language and just end up interrupting for the whole conversation. I really, really hate calling to ask a question (things that normal adults just do), because I never think that I sound like an intelligent human being, which is weird, because I'm not dumb. Then I hang up the phone and realize how I should have worded my question and then remember there were other things I needed to find out. The poor nurse at one of my doctor's office just knows me by my awkwardness now.
I do feel like I have a lot to offer in a friendship if I could just get the guts to talk to people. To make matters worse I'm being put on a medicine that will kill my immune system (my body is attacking itself - a story for another day) where even a fever has potential to hospitalize me. I'll be on the medicine for at least six months, which will enable me to be more of a hermit than I already am. A few months ago I was sitting in ward council next to a woman that I swear I had never even seen before, turns out we are next door neighbors and had been for at least eight months and I had no idea until someone said her last name. After the meeting did I go introduce myself? Nope, I think I was in my car before anyone else had left the building. In my defense I've seen her a few times since and she looks different every time.
My 2016 goals need to include some sort of social aspect. I can't keep living with this paralyzing fear of strangers. Becoming a complete shut in at 28 is nor on my bucket list. I've just recently discovered this about myself, not that I didn't know I was shy, but now I can put more of it in words. For work recently I went to a conference where I just talked to strangers all day; it was so out of my comfort zone! But, "there is no comfort in the growth zone and no growth in the comfort zone" (thanks Dr. O!), so i hope that by going to more conferences and similar training for my new position at work that it can eventually help me learn that most strangers are just good people, probably more outgoing than me, but people nonetheless. I'm just awkward and need to learn how to talk to them.
Oh man. What a jumbled mess! Anyway, here are some random thoughts that have been bouncing around my head for awhile and I need somewhere to put them. So, why not put my insecurities out where everyone can see them? Look, I'm improving already. :)
One last thing, if I've ignored you in the past please don't take offense, is just a severe case of social awkwardness that I'm working through.
